barbara walters just said penis...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
