I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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