Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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