do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
