I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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