i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize