I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
