dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
