worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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