just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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