Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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