Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
