Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
