I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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