the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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