Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
