I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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