u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
