Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So here I am, sexting at work.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
