Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Terrible idea I love it
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
FUCK WHALES
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
