I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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