Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
