Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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