my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
