Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
