Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
you had me at cake vodka
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
