You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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