I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
