I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
