Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
