I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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