just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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