Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
