I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
