She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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