If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize