Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
