i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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