it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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