What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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