hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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