A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
