You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
