if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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