He uses pillows to masturbate.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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