We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
