chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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