Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
