Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
