some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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