If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
