We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
