I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
