Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
worst night to have a conscience
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
