I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
be right there i have to get my cape
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
