please come you make the beer taste better
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
