i permit you to call me
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
