maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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