Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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