I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
